How to Forgive Someone When You’re Still Angry and Hurt
Anger. That heavy, hot energy that fills you from the inside when you think about the person who hurt you. Maybe it was a friend who betrayed your trust. Maybe a partner who said something that left a scar. Or someone you never expected could hurt you so deeply. And now you find yourself caught between two feelings: the anger that won’t let go and the desire to feel free.
The question that often arises in your mind is the same: “How can I forgive when I’m still angry and hurt?”
Forgiveness is not a button you press to make the pain disappear. It’s a process. It’s a journey. And sometimes the hardest part is admitting that both feelings can exist at the same time—anger and the desire for peace. As the renowned psychologist Carl Jung once said: “What you resist, persists.” This is especially true with anger—the more we push it away, the more it holds us captive.
Welcome, then, to this article, where I’ll share practical steps and advice on how to forgive someone who hurt you, even if your heart is still boiling.
Why Forgiving Feels Impossible When You’re Angry
Be honest—trying to forgive someone while still angry feels almost impossible. That fire in your chest, the thoughts that constantly replay everything they did… it’s loud, persistent, and it tells you: “I can’t forgive this. I don’t owe them. This isn’t fair.” And you know what? It’s right. It hurts. What happened was unfair. Anger is proof that your heart is protecting itself.
The problem is that anger often lingers longer than we want. Instead of warning us, it can slowly start to close us off, trapping us in a loop of resentment. Psychologist Lewis Smedes once said: “When you forgive, you free the prisoner… and discover that the prisoner was you.” It’s true. Clinging to anger can trap you more than the person who hurt you ever could.
One of the main things that makes forgiveness hard is the mistaken belief that it means an apology or agreeing with what happened. It doesn’t. Forgiving doesn’t mean what happened was right. It simply means you will no longer let it control your life.
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The Benefits of Forgiving Someone Who Hurt You
You might be wondering: “Why should I even forgive if someone hurt me?” That’s a completely natural question. Forgiveness is one of the most powerful things you can do for yourself. When you choose to forgive someone who hurt you, you open the door to something we all want—inner peace.
Imagine carrying a backpack full of stones. Each stone is anger, resentment, sadness, and pain you’ve felt. Every day you carry that backpack, it weighs you down and slows you. Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting or saying justice wasn’t done. It’s about taking something out of that backpack and making life easier for yourself.
Research shows that people who learn how to forgive those who have deeply hurt them experience less stress, lower blood pressure, and can handle daily challenges more easily. Not only that—relationships with others become more authentic because they no longer carry resentment and anger as a burden that affects every interaction.
When you forgive, the energy inside you changes. Forgiveness allows you to wake up in the morning without that heavy stone in your chest, to truly enjoy life, and to open yourself to new opportunities. And though it may feel difficult or even impossible, this inner peace is the reward worth every effort.
How To Forgive Someone When You’re Still Angry: Practical Tips
Ensure You Are Safe
Before you begin the process of forgiveness, it’s crucial that you are safe. If someone has repeatedly hurt your feelings or still poses a threat, you must protect yourself first. Consider: you have two options—continue exposing yourself to danger and accumulating anger, or step back and create space for forgiveness.
This isn’t always easy, especially if it involves someone you interact with daily. But think about it: when you say “no” to being hurt and secure your safety, you are actually laying the foundation to later say “yes” to inner peace. A safe distance allows you to start the process of forgiveness without the constant influence of the other person’s hurtful behavior.
Name Your Emotions And Practice Self-Compassion
Forgiveness begins with understanding your own emotions, not those of others. When thinking about the person who hurt you, notice what arises within you—anger, sadness, disappointment, perhaps even fear. Acknowledging these feelings means recognizing that you were hurt, and that’s completely normal.
Next, try to extend compassion toward yourself. Ask yourself: why are these feelings here? What does the part of me that was hurt need to feel safe? Journaling or talking to someone you trust often helps. It’s important not to rush into “forgiveness”—forgiving without processing your emotions is like trying to patch a wound with a band-aid. Take your time, process the painful parts, and gradually build trust in yourself.
Release It
When emotions get stuck, they need to come out, or frustration and anger will only build up. You don’t have to shout at the person who hurt you—there are safer and more effective ways. You can write a letter you won’t send, or pour your feelings into a journal. This helps release raw emotions from your body so you can begin to process them.
Another option is physical activity—running, punching a pillow, or screaming into a cushion. When the wave of intense emotions passes, you feel lighter and calmer. In fact, this step is a crucial part of the process, as it allows forgiveness to begin without pressure or denial of your own feelings.
Set Clear Boundaries (If Necessary)
Forgiveness does not mean you have to allow someone to continue hurting you. Set clear boundaries to protect your mental health and well-being. This could mean reducing contact, setting topics you don’t want to discuss, or having an honest conversation about what is unacceptable to you.
By doing this, you not only protect yourself but also respect your own forgiveness process. Remember: forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, not others. Boundaries do not diminish the value of your forgiveness—they allow you to stay grounded and calm, even if the other person still causes pain.
Try To Understand The Person
Although it may not be easy, compassion is a powerful tool. Try to consider why the person acted the way they did. Sometimes it’s a misunderstanding or an unintentional mistake, other times it reflects their own wounds. When you separate the act from the person, it becomes easier to reduce the impact of the pain you felt.
It’s important not to see this as an excuse for their behavior. It’s about understanding how things happen and reducing the weight of injustice you carry. If the pain is severe, speak with a mental health professional—so you don’t try to rationalize your own pain before fully processing it.
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Reflect On Your Own Actions
When someone hurts you, it’s natural to look for their faults and want to protect yourself. But if you want to truly forgive, it’s important to pause and look inward: did you, in any way, contribute to the situation?
This doesn’t mean excusing the other person’s actions—not at all—but acknowledging your role and responsibility in what happened. Perhaps you were too open, didn’t express your feelings in time, or unintentionally escalated tension. When you look in the mirror and accept your shortcomings, it opens space for true inner growth and healing.
This awareness can help you better understand the other person’s perspective and the dynamics of the events.
Remember Times You Were Forgiven
We’ve all made mistakes and needed someone to forgive us. Think about how it felt when someone showed you mercy or accepted you despite your mistakes. That feeling—relief, peace, gratitude—is what you can use as a reminder.
When you recall a moment of being forgiven, you can start to open yourself to others as well. You understand how powerful forgiveness can be and how important it is to give the chance for change. It’s a moment when the heart realizes that no one is perfect, and everyone deserves to be accepted and loved despite mistakes.
Reflecting on your own experience of being forgiven can give you courage and perspective: if someone was willing to forgive you, you can also allow yourself and others the same gift.
It’s Time To Find The Lesson
Forgiveness is not just about releasing emotions—it’s a reminder that you are reclaiming control over your life. When you forgive, you choose peace over pain, growth over stagnation. You take power away from the person who hurt you and regain your inner freedom.
Every painful experience carries a lesson. It may teach you how to set clearer boundaries, communicate better, or recognize red flags. When you find the lesson in conflict, you gain a tool for the future—wisdom that helps you avoid getting stuck in the past and move forward with clarity and strength. Forgiveness is like lifting weights for the soul—difficult at first, but every exercise makes you stronger.
10 Things Forgiveness Is Not
- Forgiveness Is Not Minimizing The Significance Of Mistakes
Choosing to forgive does not mean that what happened is less important or less painful. It’s not about simply “forgetting,” but about choosing to do what is right despite the hurt. - Forgiveness Does Not Wait For An Apology
Many think that the person who hurt them must first ask for forgiveness. Not necessarily. Forgiveness begins with you—as the story of Jesus shows: he forgave those who crucified him, even though they never asked. It’s a choice of power that frees you, not the other person. - Forgiveness Is Not Forgetting
Forgiveness begins the healing process, but it doesn’t mean you’ll immediately forget the pain. Emotions take time to fade, and scars remain as reminders that you survived and that growth is always possible. - Forgiveness Is Not A One-Time Event
It’s not enough to say “I forgive” just once. The process of forgiveness repeats whenever bitter thoughts return. What matters is that you don’t resent yourself but choose peace again each time. - Forgiveness Does Not Mean Instant Trust
Forgiving does not automatically mean you must trust the person unconditionally again. It’s an opportunity to rebuild trust, but trust must be earned. - Forgiveness Is Not The Same As Reconciliation
True reconciliation requires two people, while forgiveness starts with you. Though it doesn’t always guarantee the restoration of a relationship, it is the first step toward personal freedom. - Forgiveness Is Not A Choice, But A Decision
Sometimes it’s difficult, but forgiveness is an act of faith—a choice to free yourself. The power to do it comes when you accept it and actually act on it. - Forgiveness Is Not Only For You
Forgiveness is a gift you can share. When you forgive, you become a vessel for good that can extend to others, even if they don’t deserve it. - Forgiveness Is Not Dependent On Feelings
You don’t have to wait until you “feel” like forgiving. The decision transcends emotions, which are often inclined toward resentment or anger. - Forgiveness Does Not Change The Past
You cannot change what happened, but you can choose how the future looks. By releasing the pain, you free your hands and heart and open space for peace.
What If You Can’t Forgive Yet?
Sometimes there comes a moment when forgiveness feels impossible. The wound is too deep, the anger too strong, and the thought of forgiving almost hurts. And you know what? That’s completely okay. You don’t have to be ready to forgive immediately.
When you can’t forgive, there’s no need to force it. It doesn’t mean you’ll be angry forever or remain trapped in pain.
1. Acknowledge Your Emotions
The first step is simple: name what you feel. Anger, disappointment, sadness, frustration—all of it is normal. There’s no need to push emotions away or judge yourself. If you feel pain, allow yourself to feel it. Write it down, say it out loud, or express it in a journal. You don’t have to share it with anyone—this is just about releasing what’s inside before you can truly begin forgiving.
2. Give Yourself Time
Forgiveness is not instant magic. It’s not a goal you must reach today or tomorrow. Wounds need time to settle, for anger to soften, and for space to open for understanding. Every small step counts. Every moment you dedicate to yourself is a step toward peace.
3. Maintain Your Power
Even if you can’t forgive yet, it doesn’t mean the pain should control your life. Protect your peace. Limit contact with those who still hurt you, express emotions safely, and seek support to help understand the situation. This way, you maintain control over your feelings and stay ready to choose forgiveness when the time comes.
4. Forgiveness As A Process, Not A Goal
Instead of saying “I must forgive now,” think of forgiveness as a journey. Every small step—acknowledging pain, setting boundaries, expressing emotions—is part of the process. You don’t have to reach the finish line overnight. Be kind to yourself. Every attempt, every step, every thought that brings you closer to peace counts.
