How To Forgive Someone Who Hurt You, Even If It Seems Impossible
Have you ever felt like you couldn’t forgive a certain person? Like a partner’s infidelity or parents for improper upbringing? These situations can be difficult and very painful. There’s a saying: “The person who doesn’t forgive remains a prisoner of the one who harmed them.” So let’s delve into the steps of how to forgive someone who has hurt you, even if it seems impossible.
Contrary to common belief, forgiveness isn’t an act of erasing memory or restoring a broken relationship. It’s much more. It’s a conscious decision that requires courage and inner strength. It’s a process that leads us to peace and liberation from the burden of anger and revenge.
Forgiveness is essential for a peaceful life
Looking at myself, I used to think I had forgiven those who hurt me, but during trials, it became apparent that the pain kept resurfacing. The core was still hot, and I wondered how that was possible.
How do I know? When you repeatedly revisit a thought of a particular event and person, still feeling anger and disappointment, then you know the fire is still burning within you. You don’t have to forget the action or situation, but you need to process it. We are all human beings, which means we make mistakes.
To spend your whole life angry, craving revenge, pushing the person down, and speaking negatively about them won’t grant you true freedom. Forgiving even those who aren’t sorry for what they’ve done is necessary. By doing so, you’ll do yourself a favor.
Learn to forgive someone who has hurt you and set yourself free
Decide to forgive
The most difficult yet most important step is to decide to forgive the person who has hurt you. You must understand that forgiveness is not something that happens overnight; it is a process that requires time and emotional processing.
What does this mean? It simply means deciding to release the anger and resentment that hold you back. Think of this process as removing a stone from your heart so that you can breathe again and feel light.
As Nelson Mandela once said, “Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That’s why it’s such a powerful weapon.” This wise thought shows us that forgiveness is not a sign of weakness but of extraordinary strength.
Nelson Mandela is one of the most inspiring examples of the power of forgiveness in modern history. After 27 years in prison for his fight against apartheid in South Africa, Mandela emerged without a desire for revenge. Instead, he chose the path of reconciliation and forgiveness.
Forgiveness should not be based on whether the other person has apologized
When faced with injustice and pain caused by another person, it is normal to expect an apology. You might even think that an apology is crucial for your forgiveness and moving on with life. However, the reality is often different. It’s not always possible to expect the person who hurt us to understand what they did wrong and acknowledge the harm.
That’s why forgiveness should not be based on the other person’s apology. If we wait for an apology to forgive, we might wait a lifetime and continue to carry the burden of resentment. Therefore, we must move forward, break the bond that ties us to that person, and go through the healing process.
As American writer Lewis B. Smedes said, “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” By choosing to forgive, we take control of our emotions and lives and refuse to let past pain define us.
Consider whether your feelings are constructive or destructive
Learn to recognize the nature of your feelings, especially when it comes to anger. Constructive anger is what motivates us to respond appropriately to a situation, using those feelings for self-awareness practice and self-esteem building. On the other hand, destructive anger can compel us to act irrationally, often leading to harm.
For example, if your best friend has disappointed you, constructive anger might lead you to openly discuss your feelings and establish clearer communication boundaries in the future. In contrast, destructive anger acts as a poison that can incline you toward impulsive and harmful behaviors (such as spreading rumors about your friend, wanting to ruin their career and similar actions).
Renowned psychologist Martin Luther King Jr. Once said, “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” This thought emphasizes how important it is to recognize and transform destructive feelings into constructive ones. Instead of focusing on revenge, try to find ways to use your anger for positive change.
Carefully consider your actions
People often tend to see and blame someone else for a situation. Who likes to admit that they contributed to the situation? Rarely anyone. However, sometimes blame can be shared, so recognizing one’s own mistakes can be crucial for healing wounds.
Admitting one’s mistakes is not a sign of weakness but of strength and maturity. For example, if you had a dispute with a friend, it’s useful to consider whether you may have said or done something that contributed to the argument. By recognizing your mistakes and admitting them, you show willingness to improve the relationship.
Think about how you want to proceed with the relationship
Sometimes life brings us to a point where we must let certain people go from our lives. You find yourself at a crossroads with a person, and you both go your separate ways. So, consider whether you want this person who hurt you to continue being part of your life or not. If this person has caused too much pain, and you feel you can’t deal with them anymore, it may be time to let go of the relationship.
Deciding to end a relationship is tough, but it can be liberating, protecting you from potential pains. Sometimes we have to evaluate what means more to us: staying in toxic relationships and causing ourselves harm and suffering or looking at ourselves and clearing spaces that negatively affect us. As the famous saying goes, “Some people need to be left behind, not because you don’t care, but because they don’t care about you.”
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On the other hand, if you want to keep this person in your life, it’s helpful to remember why this relationship is important to you. Reflect on the positive moments, shared goals, and values that connect you. This can help you feel grateful for the person and your relationship again, which is an important step toward forgiveness. For example, if your partner has made a mistake (which you are willing to forgive), but otherwise has always supported and loved you, it’s useful to focus on these positive qualities and the future you share.
Do not wish others harm
Thoughts have great power, so be careful what you wish for another person because it can come back to you like a boomerang. When someone hurts us, it is natural to feel anger and resentment. However, when we harbor negative thoughts and wishes of harm for another person, we harm ourselves the most. The negative energy we send out into the world often comes back to us and can further strain our emotional well-being.
For example, think of a time when you focused on negative thoughts about someone who hurt you out of deep anger. You probably found that these thoughts only intensified your anger and pain instead of helping you find peace. Negative energy acts like a poison that we consume ourselves in the hope that it will harm someone else.
As Buddha said, “Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”
Instead, try to accept the situation with understanding and as little hostility as possible. This does not mean that you should
The secret of forgiveness lies in letting go of anger
Forgiving the person who has hurt you is a complex and often painful process, especially for those who have experienced deep trauma, be it physical, sexual or emotional abuse. However, one key to forgiveness is letting go of anger and freeing yourself from negative emotions.
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Letting go of anger means not allowing past events to continue to affect your life. In this way, you free yourself from the shackles that bind you to the past and open the door to a new chapter.
One useful strategy is certainly keeping a journal in which you pour out all your emotions, which can help you understand and manage your anger. Another strategy could be meditation or mindfulness practice, which allows you to focus on the present moment and let the past rest.
Reflect on a situation where you were forgiven
It is very useful to remember how someone forgave you. You have probably found yourself in a situation in the past where you made a mistake and someone else showed mercy and forgave you. What was the feeling like? How did the person react? We all have our threshold of resentment, but sometimes it’s good to look from another perspective.
Reflecting on your own experiences with forgiveness can help you understand how important it is to be compassionate and understanding. Remember how Mahatma Gandhi said, “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” By focusing on your experiences and feelings when you were forgiven, you can draw strength and inspiration to do the same for others.
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Forgiveness is a process that involves empathy, understanding, and a willingness to move forward. Use your past experiences as a guide to finding inner peace.
Listen to the other perspective of the situation
I have found myself in situations where there was a misunderstanding and a different view of a certain perspective. Still, sometimes conversation and understanding of others can solve the situation before resentment boils over.
Take the time to listen to the other side as well. Each person has their story, experiences, and way of expressing themselves, be it humor or general. When you forgive, it’s not just about understanding and accepting your feelings, but also about trying to understand the other person’s perspective.
Sometimes the conflict may seem completely one-sided, but you may be surprised when you hear the other side of the story. Listen to them without judgment or prior assumptions. You may find that the situation is a big misunderstanding or that the other person felt as terrible about the event as you did.
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As the ancient proverb says, “First listen, then speak.” When you listen to the other person, you give them a chance for empathy, understanding, and communication.
Release burdens and learn the lesson
Instead of dwelling on resentment and anger from the past, focus on what you can gain from these experiences. You may realize how you can better stand up for yourself in the future or how to avoid similar conflicts or situations.
When it comes to forgiveness, it’s crucial to focus on the present moment and simultaneously learn from past experiences. Instead of dwelling on feelings of resentment and anger from the past, focus on what you can gain from these experiences. As the saying goes, “The past is a lesson, not a jail.”
Remembering the past should be like a bridge leading you into the future. No matter how difficult it was, remember that these experiences have shaped your strength and resilience.
