Simple Steps to Stop Being Controlling in Your Relationship
Sometimes we don’t even realize how much we want things to go our way. Maybe it’s because we quietly fear what might happen if things don’t unfold as we imagined. In relationships, this need for control can sneak in between two people. Not because someone wants to dominate everything, but because they want to protect something that means a lot to them. If you’ve ever found yourself wondering how to stop being controlling in a relationship, then deep down you probably already feel that this isn’t the path you want to stay on.
Controlling behaviors often stem from our deepest feelings of insecurity, fear of loss, or early subconscious experiences where love was conditional. According to therapist Harriet Lerner, author of The Dance of Intimacy, control is not always cruelty – sometimes it’s just a misguided attempt to create closeness. Research in relational psychology shows that people who exhibit high levels of controlling behavior often have a history of unpredictable or chaotic relationships. Controlling becomes their strategy to feel safe. But in reality, it creates the opposite – emotional distance, resistance, and silence where there should be dialogue.
If you’re ready to look inward and gradually loosen the grip of control, keep reading. Learning how to stop controlling behavior in a relationship doesn’t mean losing power – it means directing that power toward true connection.
What It Really Means to Be Controlling in a Relationship
Being controlling in a relationship doesn’t necessarily mean yelling at your partner or bossing them around. It’s not always loud. Often, it’s quiet, subtle – and comes with good intentions. The urge to “help,” “fix,” or “manage things” because you believe you can do it better. But beneath that lies something deeper – a need for safety. Because if you have control, there’s less chance that something will go wrong. And if things go your way, you can feel at peace.
It can show up in small, everyday ways: checking who your partner is talking to. Telling them how they should think or feel. Silently thinking things would go better if you just took over the planning, the decisions, the problem-solving. And we often justify it by saying we “only want the best.” But when we dig deeper, we find it’s actually micro-managing love – a way to protect ourselves from the unpredictability of intimacy.
The key to understanding how to stop being controlling in a relationship lies in recognizing this gentle form of control – not to blame ourselves, but to make it easier to pause. Often, it’s simply the voice of our inner child, wishing the world felt more predictable. When we understand that, we can make more space for trust and real conversations.
Why Do People Become Controlling in Relationships?
We often imagine controlling people as just being that way by nature – they like order, want everything their way, and that’s that. But the truth is more complex. Being controlling in a relationship rarely starts from a cold desire for power. It usually grows from a place of deep inner insecurity. From something that hurts. From fear of abandonment, from fear of not being enough. And so we start quietly controlling, setting rules, checking, correcting, fixing… because we’re longing for safety.
Psychotherapist Esther Perel says that control is often a defense mechanism – an attempt to hold on to connection, even though deep down we’re terrified of losing it. Sometimes this pattern is rooted in childhood. If you grew up in an environment without emotional safety, you quickly learned that survival meant being in control – of others, of moods, of outcomes. And as you grow up, that same habit stays – only now it shows up in the relationships that mean the most to you.
To make this clearer, here are some of the most common reasons why people develop controlling behaviors in relationships:
- Fear of abandonment: A deep desire to avoid being hurt can lead to micro-managing your partner’s life.
- Past traumas: Unhealed experiences (like infidelity, loss, or emotional instability in the family) often drive us to use control as a way to avoid reliving the same pain.
- Low self-worth: When we don’t believe we are enough, we use control to prove our value.
- Perfectionism and a need for order: People who become easily unsettled when things don’t go as expected often turn to control as a way to calm their inner chaos. Control gives them the feeling that the world is predictable – and if everything is in its place, they feel safer inside, too.
Best Tips on How to Stop Being Controlling in a Relationship
Recognize Your Controlling Behavior
Many people think of controlling as something extreme: yelling, demands, threats. But the worst control often doesn’t start with shouting. It starts quietly. With phrases like: “I just don’t want you to go there because I care about you.” Or: “I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to upset you.” Control can be hidden under care. Under “good intentions.” And these forms often cut deepest in the soul.
When you’re looking for ways how to stop being controlling in a relationship, the first step is to recognize all the places control hides—even in those small actions where you might have just thought you were “caring.” Maybe you only wanted to protect the relationship. But… love doesn’t need control to survive. It needs freedom.
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You Can’t (And Don’t Need To) Control Everything
Read this twice if you need to: in a healthy relationship, you don’t have to be a security camera. It’s not your job to “watch” how your partner behaves, what they feel, or what they say. You can’t control all possible outcomes, even if you might have had to as a child—because maybe you were the one holding your family together.
I understand why this pattern is so deeply rooted. We influence because we want to be heard.
But when influence becomes one-sided—when we talk without listening—that’s when we slip into controlling. And if you’re wondering how to stop being so controlling in a relationship, now is the time to admit: “I can’t lead another person. But I can take responsibility for myself.” And that’s enough. More than enough. When you stop, when you let go of the need to control, you’re not taking love away from your partner—you’re finally starting to give it unconditionally.
Learn to Speak Clearly—Without Manipulation, Without Power Games
Sometimes, when we get caught in the control loop, we don’t realize we’re using guilt as a tool. We think we’re just expressing our needs, but in reality, we say something like: “If you really love me, you’ll stay home.” We automatically shift responsibility to the partner—to prove their love. And if they don’t, we feel rejected.
But you know what? Power in a relationship isn’t about convincing someone; it’s about respectfully saying: “This matters a lot to me, but I also want to hear how you feel about it.”
So if you’re truly wondering how to stop controlling behavior in a relationship, start by asking yourself: Am I speaking honestly, or steering the conversation toward a goal I want to reach? Honesty without manipulation builds trust. And there is no trust where we rule. Trust grows where we allow ourselves to be vulnerable.
Stop and Ask Yourself: What Am I Really Feeling Right Now?
The sooner you admit that anger isn’t anger but fear… the sooner you can change something. Controlling doesn’t come from cold logic. It comes from emotions we don’t know how to process. And these feelings are often very human: fear, insecurity, need for closeness.
How do I stop being controlling in a relationship? By not fooling yourself. By admitting when an old wound flares up inside. When the feeling that you’re “not enough” overwhelms you. When you say to yourself: “Right now I’m not afraid because something is wrong… but because I’m scared of being abandoned again.”
If you can’t manage these inner storms, you’ll try to control them outside yourself—through your partner.
But controlling someone else isn’t the solution. It’s avoidance. And real strength is in daring to stay with your feelings, breathe through them, and not react destructively.
Create Space for a Different Response
Maybe you’re used to reacting at the slightest anxiety. You send messages. You give ultimatums. And ask: “When will you come?”—but with the undertone: “Because if you don’t come on time, everything will go wrong again.”
How to stop being a control freak in a relationship? Create space between impulse and response. You don’t have to react immediately. Breathe. Tell yourself: “This is an old wound. It doesn’t need a reaction. It needs understanding.”
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And the most important thing: you’re not enemies in a relationship, but allies. Tell your partner you’re struggling with this. That you’re learning. Give them the chance to understand what’s hard for you—and how they can help, without “calming” you by obeying your rules. Relationships aren’t a place to hide your wounds. They are a place to learn to walk differently together. More gently. Less controlling. More real.
Instead of Demanding, Ask
When we say: “This is what I expect from you,” we unconsciously send the message: “The way you are now is not enough.” And even though we don’t mean it badly, our partner feels pressure. Like a standard they must meet. But love doesn’t grow from demands. It grows from space where both can breathe.
So try differently. Instead of “You can’t go out,” say: “I feel vulnerable when you go out, and it would really help me if you told me where you’ll be beforehand.” This is not manipulation. It’s a request. And requests open doors to conversation, they don’t close it with resistance. So if you’re asking how to stop being controlling in a relationship, start by swapping “I expect” with “I wish.” Hear the difference? One triggers a fight, the other connects.
Don’t Take Everything Personally
People in relationships often fall into the trap of thinking: “If they really loved me, they wouldn’t do that.” But be careful—your feelings are worth exploring, but that doesn’t mean your interpretations are true. Maybe your partner didn’t reply to a message because they had a bad day. Not because they don’t respect you. Maybe they didn’t want sex because they’re tired—not because you’re no longer attractive.
Psychologists like Dr. Harriet Lerner warn that over-personalizing events often leads to unnecessary conflict and controlling behavior. If you believe everything reflects your worth, you’ll want to control every move of the other person to protect yourself. But if you want to truly know how to stop being so controlling in a relationship, you need to know this: feelings are not facts. Learn to observe them, not blindly follow them.
When You Start Controlling, Stop and Ask: What Do I Really Need?
We all know that silent panic when a partner doesn’t reply. In that moment, you’d rather write ten messages, delete them, and still send a “?”… Just to get an answer. Calm. Confirmation. Then suddenly, you realize: I’m not angry because they don’t write—but because I feel unimportant. And this is the point where everything can change.
So when you feel pulled toward control—don’t react, stop. Therapist Esther Perel says: “We often don’t control because we don’t trust others—but because we don’t trust that we can survive the pain.” So find your own way to calm yourself, not the other person. Call a friend. Go for a walk. Listen to a podcast. Create space where you’re not dependent on someone else’s response.
This is the beginning of maturity in love. And believe me, you can feel it.
Lower Your Guard
I know, vulnerability is scary. Like opening a window when the wind is blowing outside. And what if a storm comes? What if there’s disappointment, betrayal, an end? And still… have you thought that maybe the storm is not your enemy but an opportunity to see what you can survive?
When you wonder how to stop being controlling in my relationship, start here: don’t stop love because you fear pain. Because if you’re always on alert, always ready to react, always three steps ahead of what’s happening—you’ll never really be present. Neither in the relationship, nor in your own body.
And you know what? Your partner wants you—not your control, not your worries, not your inner guard. Love doesn’t need control to survive. It only needs truth and tenderness. First to yourself.
Allow Your Partner to Be Different
Sometimes we control because we fear change. Because we’re afraid that if our partner is different from us—if they walk their own path, have their own interests, their own thoughts—that it will be the end of closeness. But difference is not danger. Difference is part of healthy love.
If you really want to know how to stop being controlling in a relationship, then allow yourself to see: you don’t have to always be in sync to stay connected. Two people can love each other even if they think differently. Your partner is not your reflection—they are their own being, with their own story.
When you try to “fix,” “shape,” or “guide” them, you’re not really seeing them—you’re only seeing your own fear. And if you let go of that fear… you can finally truly see the person in front of you. Love that allows difference is the love that lasts the longest.
