12 Shocking Signs You Grew Up in a Dysfunctional Family
Growing up in a family is the foundation upon which we build our lives, relationships, and identity. But what if that foundation is cracked? Dysfunctional families are more common than we might think, and their consequences follow us into adulthood. Often, we don’t even recognize that we carry patterns that influence our decisions, relationships, and even our sense of self-worth. If you’ve ever wondered why it’s hard to set boundaries, why you feel guilty even when there’s no reason, or why you attract imbalanced relationships, the answer might lie in your childhood.
Psychologist Dr. Lindsay Gibson, author of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, explains that children from dysfunctional families often develop a “false self,” adapted for survival in an unpredictable or emotionally unsatisfying environment. This means that the child learns to suppress their own needs to please others, which can lead to low self-esteem, communication difficulties, and tendencies toward self-sabotage in adulthood.
In this article, we’ll explore the signs of growing up in a dysfunctional family and how these patterns affect your life.
12 Signs of Growing Up in a Dysfunctional Family
1. Excessive Need to Please
Have you ever wondered why you often put your own needs aside to please others? If you feel like you constantly need to meet the expectations of others โ whether it’s family, partners, or friends โ it may be the result of growing up in an environment where the emotions of others became your primary responsibility. In dysfunctional families, itโs often expected that the child will manage the moods of their parents, as they may not be able to balance their own feelings.
As a result, an adult might develop a sense of guilt when doing something for themselves. It may feel like thereโs an obligation to always put others first. Dr. Lindsay Gibson warns in her book that these patterns can lead to low self-esteem, as a child who has never seen or felt that their own feelings matter simply doesn’t know how to set boundaries in adult life.
2. Conflicts โ Too Much or Too Little
In many dysfunctional families, emotional expressions are extreme โ from constant arguments to complete silence. If you grew up in such an environment, you may have lost the ability to find balance in relationships. You either avoid conflicts because you see them as a threat, or you find yourself in constant, unproductive battles because you believe itโs the only way to regain control of the situation.
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Interestingly, emotional intelligence experts found in a 2021 study that those who grew up in dysfunctional families are more likely to perceive conflicts as dangerous, reducing their ability to resolve problems in a healthy way. One of the most obvious signs of growing up in a dysfunctional family might be the feeling that you never had a safe space to express your emotions.
3. Perfectionism and Harsh Self-Criticism
If youโre always seeking perfection and criticizing yourself for the smallest mistakes, this might be the result of excessive criticism or unrealistic expectations from your parents. In dysfunctional families, a child may either be glorified for every achievement or constantly criticized, regardless of what they do.
This pattern often continues into adulthood and leads to perfectionism that never brings a sense of adequacy. Psychotherapy experts warn that this can develop into what is called “imposter syndrome,” where a person doesnโt believe they deserve their success, even though they worked hard for it. Itโs important to recognize the signs of growing up in a dysfunctional family, as it can help you understand the patterns you carry into adulthood.
4. Difficulty Stopping and Breathing
Do you ever find it hard to just stop? Even when you have a free minute, itโs hard to quiet your mind and truly enjoy a peaceful moment. This could be a sign that you grew up in a dysfunctional family where constant tension was normal. Children in such environments often didnโt have space to rest โ they always had to be alert, always on standby to protect themselves from emotional outbursts from their parents or constant changes. This constant readiness for “fight” or the feeling that something is wrong leads to difficulty relaxing as an adult.
When youโre accustomed to constant tension, calming down feels “foreign,” almost as if youโre afraid something might happen if you simply relax. This pattern can continue throughout life if we donโt recognize how important it is to find inner peace and allow ourselves to rest.
5. Extreme Parenting of Your Own Children
If you feel that youโre either too strict with your children or overly lenient with every little “outburst,” the reason might lie in your own childhood. Adults who grew up in dysfunctional families often lack a healthy sense of balance in parenting. You may have been raised in an environment where there were no clear boundaries, or the boundaries were so strict that you had to walk on eggshells all the time.
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This pattern can carry over into adulthood, where, as parents, you either fear being too strict or, conversely, give in too much because you want your children to have what you didnโt. In both cases, thereโs no real balance.
6. Seeking Partners Who Donโt Give Back Equally
Have you ever entered a relationship where you gave your all, but in the end, you were left empty and dissatisfied because you didnโt receive the same in return? This may be a sign that youโre seeking partners who donโt reciprocate equally because you grew up in an environment where love wasnโt taken for granted. You might have had to “earn” love and attention, which means that in adulthood, you seek partners where you have to “deserve” their love once again.
Adults from dysfunctional families often develop a belief that they have to earn love by giving more than they receive. This isnโt just a feeling โ it becomes a behavioral pattern that can develop.
7. Addiction
Growing up in a dysfunctional family is not just emotional pain โ it often also involves physical and mental damage that we carry throughout life. For many, this means seeking ways to escape the deep inner pain that stems from a lack of love, stability, or simple emotional support during childhood. And whatโs more attractive than escaping into things that offer instant relief โ whether itโs alcohol, drugs, or even emotional relationships, which in the end only bring more pain?
According to psychologists like Dr. Patrick Carnes, an expert in addiction and emotional relationships, the problem is that addiction can develop as a way to cope with the emotional void often present in adults who grew up in dysfunctional families. Instead of facing the pain they experienced, they retreat into destructive habits that temporarily ease it, but in the long run, lead to an even greater inner emptiness.
These addictions are like a bubble that can easily burst. When a person gets involved in a relationship or behavior that temporarily relieves them, this escape can be very appealing.
8. Trust Issues
If you grew up in a dysfunctional family where everything from “love” to stability was always in question, itโs no surprise that you have trouble with trust. Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship, whether itโs in romantic relationships or friendships. However, if you didnโt have a stable and trustworthy role model in your childhood, it will always be a challenge in adulthood.
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According to psychologist and emotional connection researcher Dr. Sue Johnson, there is a concept called โnegative attachment cyclesโ that form in early childhood. When children are exposed to constant tests of their parents, a lack of predictability, or even unexpected outbursts of anger, they can develop insecurity that influences how they see the world around them.
This causes adults in this environment to have difficulty trusting others because they never had proper models of trust in their childhood.
9. Fear of Abandonment
The fear of abandonment is one of those emotions deeply rooted in us if we grew up in an environment where we felt abandoned or neglected. Children who live in dysfunctional families often face the feeling that they are not important enough to receive love and attention. This fear often carries into adulthood, making us constantly question whether we will be abandoned or “left behind” in relationships when things donโt go as planned.
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This fear can arise at the most inconvenient times, such as in relationships where disagreements or distance between partners begin to appear. Such individuals often seek validation in relationships because they believe that love is not a given, but something that must be earned, and when this “proof” is threatened, it seems that everything in their world is at risk.
10. Difficulty in Forming Close Relationships
If you grew up in a family where boundaries were blurred, where there was no space for healthy intimacy, or where relationships were filled with conflict, then itโs no surprise that you have trouble forming close relationships in adulthood. Sometimes you might even sabotage healthy relationships, as subconsciously you fear being hurt or abandoned again.
However, people who grew up in dysfunctional families often experience something opposite โ a feeling of constant tension or being exposed to tense and unpredictable relationships. This pattern prevents them from opening up and trusting deeply, as they have an internal fear of being hurt again.
11. Forced to Grow Up Too Quickly
In a dysfunctional family, role confusion often occurs, where a child takes on responsibilities that would normally belong to adults. This phenomenon is called “parentification” and is especially common in children who grow up in chaotic environments. You may have had to take on the role of caregiver for younger siblings, manage the household, or even mediate in conflicts between parents.
When this happens, the child suddenly finds themselves overwhelmed with adult problems, which prevents them from having a normal childhood.
The parental role children take on in such families is often focused on survival and stability, not emotional growth. These children often struggle in adulthood because they were not allowed to develop as children. Instead, they had to face stress, anxiety, and responsibility that took away their childhood innocence.
Statistics show that 60% of adults who grew up in dysfunctional families feel they were forced to grow up too quickly, which has long-term effects on their emotional stability and ability to create healthy relationships.
12. Lack of Empathy
Perhaps one of the most traumatic elements faced by those who grow up in dysfunctional families is the lack of empathy. Empathy โ the ability to understand and share the feelings of others โ is crucial for healthy interpersonal relationships. In dysfunctional families, however, this ability is often either lacking or distorted. The lack of empathy in the family environment can lead to feelings of loneliness, rejection, and misunderstanding that carry through life.
Think about it โ how did you feel when you needed support, but all you received was silence or unfair criticism? When parents or caregivers were unable or unwilling to show empathy, you likely felt neglected, which could lead to difficulties in forming deep emotional bonds in adulthood. The signs of growing up in a dysfunctional family can also show up as a lack of empathy and difficulty in establishing healthy emotional connections in adulthood.
