How to Stop Seeking External Validation and Trust Your Own Voice
Somewhere deep inside, we all know what it feels like to give in to constant checking—wondering if others “approve” of us. When we seek praise, compliments, or nods of agreement to feel good enough, it feels like we’re playing a game set by someone else. We are always in the role of a performer waiting for approval, and slowly we forget what we truly want ourselves.
Even as children, we learned that love and safety were often linked to whether our parents praised or criticized us. As we grew up, this need for validation transformed: social media, coworkers’ comments, partners’ or friends’ opinions—all of these can become measures of our worth. Suddenly, a like or a compliment from someone we barely know can start shaping our day.
In this article, I will show you how to recognize these patterns, how to stop seeking validation from others, and gradually feel again that your own voice is enough.
Why We Seek External Validation
We all have a tendency to want to be accepted, understood, and praised. This is a deeply rooted need that comes from our earliest experiences with safety and belonging. Even as children, we learned that love was often tied to whether our parents praised or criticized us. Psychologists call this the need for approval. It’s a simple yet powerful mechanism: when we received recognition, we felt safe and accepted; when we didn’t, we developed a sense of insecurity.
But why does this persist into adulthood? Psychologist Roy Baumeister, author of numerous studies on self-esteem and social psychology, explains that people often measure their worth through relationships and social feedback. By relying on others’ approval, we seek security and reassurance that our perception of the world is “right.” In a way, seeking external validation is the mind’s way of quieting doubt: if others praise our decision, we feel we made the correct choice.
That’s not all—neuroscience studies show that praise, compliments, and approval trigger dopamine release, a chemical that makes us feel good. This means that our need for validation is not only emotional but also biologically reinforced—our brains reward us when others recognize us. This is why it can be so hard to stop seeking approval; it’s a pattern backed by both emotional and physiological “rewards.”
Signs You Rely Too Much on Validation
When your sense of well-being depends on others, you start living in a world where your own voice and feelings are not enough. Let’s look at the most obvious signs that you are caught in this trap and how to recognize them.
You Seek Praise Too Often
If you frequently seek praise or validation for your decisions and actions, it means your satisfaction depends not on what you do, but on how others react. Constantly checking every step through someone else’s eyes takes away the genuine joy that comes from your own sense of achievement.
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You Compare Yourself To Others Too Much
When your self-worth depends on who is more successful, who receives more recognition, or who seems “better,” it’s a clear sign you’re seeking validation outside yourself. Comparing yourself during the day—through social media posts, achievements, or others’ comments—drains your energy and prevents you from appreciating your own choices and accomplishments.
You Feel Stressed Or Disappointed When You Don’t Get Validation
Every comment, compliment, or lack of approval affects your mood. When your self-satisfaction is unstable and fluctuates based on others’ reactions, it’s a sign that your inner confidence is weak and too reliant on external judgment.
You Change Your Behavior To Please Others
If you adjust your decisions, words, or actions just to satisfy others, you lose yourself in others’ expectations. Your own opinions and desires become subordinate to external approval, creating a sense of lost authenticity.
You Constantly Doubt Yourself
If you frequently doubt yourself and seek validation from others, it shows that your internal standards are not strong enough. This doubt can lead to insecurity, decision paralysis, and a loss of trust in your own judgment.
8 Ways To Stop Seeking External Validation
1. Develop A Sense Of Self-Worth
First, it’s important to understand that your worth is not dependent on how much praise or approval you receive. When you become aware of your tendency to people-please, you can start consciously creating space for yourself. This means stopping the habit of giving in or changing your decisions just to gain approval. It’s essential to recognize your values and stick to them—every action should come from what you truly believe in.
Be honest with yourself. If you feel awkward or insecure in social situations, try pausing your thoughts and focusing on the present moment. Some mindfulness experts, like Jon Kabat-Zinn, recommend observing your feelings without fear or judgment. When doubt arises, such as “maybe someone doesn’t like me,” question the validity of these thoughts—they are often just interpretations, not reality.
2. Practice Self-Acceptance
Real change starts with accepting yourself as you are. This means allowing yourself to be imperfect, worthy of mistakes and doubts, before working on improvements. Our brains cannot effectively adopt new habits or changes when under excessive stress, as it activates parts of the brain that block rational thinking.
Meditation is an excellent tool to help you observe your thoughts and feelings without immediately reacting. The goal isn’t to become a Zen master but to start noticing your inner landscape—every thought and emotion comes and goes. With practice, inner confidence and self-acceptance gradually grow, reducing the need for constant external validation.
3. Do More Things Independently
Sometimes the best way to learn to trust yourself is simply to spend time alone. Go for a walk, visit a café or the cinema by yourself, and notice what you want, not what others expect.
When you start doing activities without constantly checking what others think, you gain clarity on what truly brings you joy and reflects your personal choices. This is a simple yet powerful way to build inner confidence and learn to rely on yourself. Every time you do something independently, you strengthen your inner voice and reduce the need for external approval.
4. Be True To Yourself
It’s important to understand that no one is perfect, not even those who seem that way. Being genuinely true to yourself means accepting your mistakes while acting in accordance with your values. Lying to yourself or changing your opinions to please others drains your power and inner clarity.
Instead, put things into perspective. Before seeking others’ opinions, ask yourself: “Does what I’m doing reflect my values? Does this feel right for me?” This helps you make decisions based on your inner sense, which is a crucial step in stopping the search for external validation.
5. Stop Comparing Yourself To Others
Comparison is natural, but when it becomes a constant habit, it drains energy and undermines confidence. Every person is unique, with their own strengths and weaknesses, and even the most successful face challenges.
Instead of focusing on who is “better” or has more, consider what you want to achieve and how it feels for you. Focus on your own progress, gratitude for what you already have, and developing your skills. When you compare less, you stay more connected to your values and become more confident in your decisions.
6. Set Your Own Goals
When we seek validation from others, we often forget what we truly want. That’s why setting personal goals is essential—it helps you see clearly what really matters to you.
Write down what you want to achieve and check if these goals align with your values and desires, not with others’ expectations. This acts as an internal compass, guiding you when you might otherwise seek approval. When you understand why you’re doing something—and do it for yourself—changes become more meaningful, internally motivated, and lasting.
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7. Surround Yourself With Supportive, Not Controlling People
It’s important to be around people who allow you to be yourself—those who advise without pressure and don’t impose their opinions. Even well-meaning people can unintentionally cause self-doubt if they try to control or correct your choices.
True friends and mentors provide perspective, not instructions. They give you space to make your own decisions while supporting you. This kind of environment is like a safe playground—you can try, learn, and build confidence without constantly apologizing or seeking approval.
8. Start Living For Yourself
Your life is yours—and it’s perfectly okay to be a little selfish sometimes. Try things you’ve always wanted, explore hobbies that bring you joy, and plan small projects or adventures just for yourself.
Don’t rely too much on others’ opinions—people can offer support and advice, but when they become your measure, you lose touch with yourself. When you start making decisions based on your own desire and joy, instead of seeking validation, your life transforms—it becomes authentic, full, and truly your own.
The Benefits of Breaking Free From Validation
When we successfully stop seeking external validation, an entirely new world opens up—a world where we truly trust ourselves and our decisions. No more constantly checking whether others approve or praise us, and at the same time—more space for inner freedom and contentment. Here are the main effects you can expect:
- Greater Confidence and Sense of Empowerment
When you stop seeking others’ approval, your inner compass strengthens. Your decisions are no longer dependent on comments or praise—they are your own. This means you learn to trust your judgment and intuition, leading to a sense of power and confidence that is not fragile or temporary. - Clearer Sense of Personal Worth
Without the need for constant validation, a true picture of yourself begins to emerge—without the filter of others’ expectations. You discover what truly matters, what brings you joy, and what gives you energy. - Reduced Stress and Anxiety
Constantly seeking others’ approval is exhausting. When you free yourself from it, pressure decreases, self-doubt lessens, and feelings of inadequacy fade. You can breathe, relax, and focus on what really matters in life. - Healthier Relationships
When you stop seeking validation, relationships change. Friends, partners, and colleagues begin to see you as you are, not as someone trying to meet their expectations. This leads to deeper, more genuine connections, where mutual trust is authentic. - Clearer Life Direction
When you are no longer dependent on others’ opinions, it becomes easier to follow your own goals and desires. You decide what you want to do and how you want to live, without unnecessarily considering others’ standards. Every decision becomes an expression of your inner strength and autonomy. - Greater Inner Freedom and Happiness
Finally, one of the greatest rewards is being able to live life on your own terms. No more fear of judgment or criticism—only space for joy, exploration, learning, and growth. And believe me, this is a feeling that nothing else can replace.
