8 Real Reasons People Cheat According to Psychology

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Cheating. Just hearing the word creates a slight tightness somewhere in our chest. None of us enters a relationship expecting that our partner will one day look elsewhere — and yet it happens. More often than we would like to believe. Most studies suggest that around 25% of couples experience infidelity at some point in their relationship — and those numbers are based only on people who were willing to admit and share their experience. How many cases remain hidden, no one truly knows.

Psychotherapist Esther Perel, who has more than 45 years of experience, argues that cheating is not always what we think it is — more often than not, it is not really about the other person, but about searching for oneself. So why does infidelity happen in relationships? What goes on inside a person that convinces them to cross that line? In this article, I will explain the real psychological reasons people cheat — the ones we rarely talk about.

8 Reasons Why People Cheat in Relationships

Researchers at the University of Maryland analyzed responses from 495 people who admitted to cheating on their partners at some point in their lives. They identified eight key motivations for infidelity: anger, sexual desire, lack of love, neglect, low commitment, situational factors, self-esteem, and the desire for variety. Surprisingly, most of these reasons have very little to do with sex.

1. Anger

Your partner hurt you deeply. They lied to you, humiliated you, and betrayed you in a way you felt down to your bones. And somewhere deep inside, one thought ignites: “I’ll show you.”Cheating driven by anger is, at its core, an act of revenge. It is not about being in love with someone else or searching for emotional intimacy. It is about one thing only — making the partner feel the same pain you experienced.

People who cheated out of anger tended to have longer affairs on average, and they were also more likely to eventually confess the affair to their partner. Not out of guilt, but almost as a final blow. Which says everything about what this type of cheating truly is. And here lies the interesting paradox: cheating motivated by anger is more common among people who deeply fear abandonment. In other words, the people who most desperately want to keep their partner are often the ones who make the choice most likely to destroy the relationship completely.

2. Sexual Desire

Yes, this reason exists — but it is not as superficial as it may seem at first glance. Sexual desire as a motivation for cheating can involve wanting things a partner refuses, needing more frequent intimacy, or even struggling with confusion about one’s own sexual orientation.

Often, it is a combination of physical and psychological needs. When physical chemistry disappears from a relationship, an affair becomes tempting precisely because it brings back excitement and desire that may have faded long ago at home. Someone does not necessarily cheat because their partner is “not enough.” They cheat because novelty itself can feel intoxicatingly attractive. And unfortunately, the brain is naturally drawn to what feels new.

Research also shows that men are more likely than women to cite sexual desire as the primary reason for cheating. But that does not mean women do not experience it — they are simply less likely to place it at the top of the list.

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3. Lack of Love

This is probably the most painful reason for both sides. A lack of love as a motivation for cheating includes uncertainty about whether you are even with the right person, the loss of romantic feelings, and the quiet boredom that slowly settles into a relationship. Relationships rarely end with a dramatic explosion. More often, they slowly fade away — through everyday routines, endless silent dinners, and conversations about who will take the child to the doctor tomorrow.

When someone no longer feels love within the relationship, they may begin searching for that feeling elsewhere — often before they even admit to themselves that the relationship has already been emotionally dying for a long time. People who cheated for this reason described their affairs as emotionally and intellectually fulfilling, which suggests they were not simply looking for sex, but for a genuine connection with another person. These are the kinds of affairs that do not end overnight — and the ones that do not merely threaten relationships, but often bury them completely.

4. Neglect

Human beings do not need much. They need to feel seen. Heard. To feel that their partner genuinely cares. When those things are chronically missing in a relationship — when a partner becomes emotionally absent, stops communicating, or barely notices you anymore — an emptiness begins to grow.

Therapist Jinashree Rajendrakumar from the Gottman Institute explains that neglect creates emotional distance, which eventually leads people to compare their partner to others — and sometimes to betrayal. It is no coincidence that neglect is one of the most common reasons women report for cheating. They are not necessarily looking for someone richer, more attractive, or “better.” They are looking for someone who simply notices them.

Esther Perel describes it very simply: affairs are often far less about the other person and far more about the desire for attention — about wanting to feel special and important again. A new partner offers admiration that may have quietly disappeared in a long-term relationship.

Man cheating- reasons why people cheat in relationship

5. Low Commitment

This is often where one of the most overlooked causes of cheating in relationships hides. Some couples never clearly define what they are to each other — what their relationship actually is, whether it is exclusive, where it is going. And within that ambiguity, a space is created where cheating is not even perceived as cheating. At least not by the person doing it.

Low commitment means that one partner was not equally invested in the relationship, or that the two of them never truly understood together that their relationship was exclusive. That may sound like an excuse — and sometimes it is. But more often, it reflects the fact that two people entered a relationship with very different expectations that they never openly expressed.

Researcher Dylan Selterman from the University of Maryland emphasizes that the variety of motivations for cheating shows that it can happen in any relationship — even one that appears completely stable from the outside. Sometimes, the problem is not that you loved them too little — the problem is that the two of you were never truly on the same page.

6. Situation

This is the reason people most often use as an excuse — and the one betrayed partners tend to resent the most.

“I was drunk.”
“We were on vacation.”
“I had a stressful week.”

But psychology neither condemns nor excuses — it simply explains. Situational cheating includes scenarios that fall outside a person’s everyday routine: intoxication, vacations, and extremely high stress. In those moments, boundaries become blurred, judgment weakens, and inhibitions are lower than usual.

Interestingly, situational cheaters tended to be more discreet than others. Probably because they genuinely wanted to preserve the relationship and never intended for their partner to find out. That does not make the betrayal any less painful for the person who was cheated on. But it does suggest that the affair was often an impulsive decision made in the moment — not a carefully planned betrayal.

7. Self-Esteem

This reason may be the least obvious — and at the same time, one of the most revealing. Someone who cheats in order to validate their self-worth is not really searching for another person. They are searching for the feeling that they are still attractive, desirable, and important. Those who cheated for reasons connected to self-esteem were more likely to go on public dates with the other person and openly display affection, which suggests they were seeking validation, not secrecy.

And here lies one of the sadder truths about cheating: it often has very little to do with the partner and very much to do with how someone feels about themselves. Low self-esteem, fear of aging, the feeling that you have lost part of yourself — these are inner wounds that no relationship can heal unless the person addresses them themselves.

8. Variety

Some people simply want to experience more. More partners, more experiences, more of everything. This motivation is not directly connected to the relationship itself — it does not necessarily mean that something is wrong in the relationship. It is about a personal desire for variety that one partner alone simply cannot satisfy.

Men were more likely than women to cite variety as a reason for cheating, but that does not mean women do not feel it as well. It simply means they are less likely to place it first or admit it openly.

Is it an excuse? No.Is it an explanation? Yes — and sometimes an explanation is exactly what you need in order to stand back up after everything falls apart.

Do Men and Women Cheat for Different Reasons?

The short and honest answer — yes, the reasons do differ. Not always and not for everyone, but the pattern that research continues to confirm over and over again is fairly clear.

Men are more likely to cheat because of sexual boredom or simply because the opportunity presents itself. Women, on the other hand, are more likely to cheat when they are emotionally unhappy or no longer feel in love. Of course, there are exceptions on both sides — but when we look at the data as a whole, this pattern consistently holds up.

A recent 2024 study involving women from multiple countries found that by far the most common reason women cheated was dissatisfaction within the relationship, as many as 64% of respondents identified it as their primary motivation. It is not that they were searching for someone “better.” It is that they felt alone, unseen, or emotionally empty within their own relationship.

On the other hand, around 50% of men who cheated cited dissatisfaction with their sex life as the reason, compared to 35% of women. And here comes one of the more interesting findings: men were more likely than women to cite situational factors — the classic “it just happened” or intoxication — as the reason for cheating.

And here is the statistic that turns some stereotypes upside down. The gender gap is shrinking — the rate of infidelity among women has increased by as much as 40% in recent years. The reasons are likely a combination of greater financial independence among women, easier access to social media, and the fact that women today speak more openly about their experiences.

In the end, one thing applies to both sexes — the affair itself is rarely the real problem. More often, it is a symptom of something that had already been quietly growing inside the relationship or within the person for a long time.

Does Cheating Mean the Relationship Is Over?

The first question you ask yourself when you find out about cheating is whether this means the end of the relationship. And the answer is deeply personal. Research shows that 60–75% of couples stay together after an affair. But staying together and truly healing the relationship are two very different things.

The truth is that cheating leaves deep wounds. More than 90% of Americans consider infidelity morally wrong — and it is not difficult to understand why. Once trust is broken, it is not something that can be repaired overnight. Many people simply cannot or do not want to move past it — and that is a completely legitimate decision.

On the other hand, some couples choose a different path. Couples in which the affair was openly disclosed stayed together in 57% of cases — compared to only 20% of those in which the affair remained hidden. Secrecy solves nothing — it only prolongs the agony.

In the end, there is no universally right or wrong answer. Some people leave, and it becomes the best decision they ever make. Others stay and genuinely rebuild the relationship. It depends on what you have experienced, what you feel, and what you truly want for your future.