The Real Reasons You’re Attracted to People Who Aren’t Available
You’ve probably wondered why you keep attracting people who are emotionally unavailable. You may realize that these relationships are filled with uncertainty and pain, but somehow, it’s hard to break free from this pattern. It feels like we’re always searching for someone who is unable or unwilling to offer what we need—true commitment and love. Even though it may seem like nothing serious will come from it, we still feel comfortable in a way. There’s no risk, no obligations, and no disappointments. But how long can we stay in this vicious cycle?
Psychologists have long noted that emotionally unavailable people often become magnets for those of us who are afraid to fully open up. We often don’t realize that these people actually offer safety in their uncertainty. There are no strong bonds tying us down, so we don’t face emotional risks. Does this sound familiar? However, understanding why we’re drawn to emotionally unavailable people can change our perspective on what we want from a relationship and what we truly deserve.
Dr. Sherry Argov, a renowned psychologist and author of Why Men Love Bitches, argues that one of the main reasons we’re attracted to emotionally unavailable people is that uncertainty sometimes gives us a sense of safety. Without commitment, there’s no disappointment—but this is just an illusion. The more we experience these kinds of relationships, the more we realize that such “safety” brings nothing but frustration and disappointment in the long run.
So, if you’ve ever felt like you constantly attract people who aren’t ready for a serious relationship, you’ve come to the right place. In this article, we’ll explore why this happens and how we can begin to recognize these patterns in our lives and start to change them.
The Real Reasons Why We Are Attracted to Emotionally Unavailable People
Do You Have a Fear of Intimacy?
Intimacy means being vulnerable, sharing our emotions, and exposing ourselves in ways that can hurt. If we’ve had bad experiences with this in the past, we’ll subconsciously fear such openness. If we experienced rejection or pain during our childhood, our inner protection mechanism might lead us to emotionally unavailable partners. With them, there’s no real intimacy because, in a way, we avoid true connection.
Dr. Sherry Argov, in her book Why Men Love Bitches, often mentions that these kinds of relationships can give us a false sense of security. There’s no risk—no real commitment, but also no real love. Emotional availability pushes us into vulnerability, something many of us fear. And this is why emotionally unavailable people sometimes become our choice.
Lack of Healthy Relationship Patterns
Our past shapes our future, even when it comes to love. If we grew up in an environment where relationships were filled with tension, lack of communication, or emotional unavailability, we might unconsciously attract these patterns into our adult relationships.
Research has shown that people who grow up in “untouched” or emotionally cold families often seek similar patterns in their romantic relationships. Sadly, this can go on for so long that we forget what it’s like to be in a healthy and fulfilling relationship.
But the real solution lies in recognizing these patterns and consciously changing them so that we can eventually attract a relationship that supports and fulfills us.
You’re Out of Touch with Your Emotions
For many people, emotionally unavailable partners are attractive because they, too, are disconnected from their feelings. When we’re not in touch with our own emotions, we fear becoming too vulnerable, so we seek partners who can understand us on a safe, but superficial level.
If we don’t allow ourselves to feel and express our emotions, we’ll struggle to form a deep connection with our partner. So when we start seeking partners who are also distant from their inner feelings, it may mean that we feel safe in them because they don’t pose a threat to us.
Subconsciously, You Fear Commitment
Another reason why we’re attracted to emotionally unavailable people is the fear of commitment. This may not be something we want to admit, but it’s true. Sometimes, when we’re afraid of a serious relationship, we unconsciously gravitate toward people who also fear commitment.
Emotionally unavailable people often don’t seek a serious relationship, which might be something we deep down want—something we’re not ready to give but would like to have. This can be a vicious cycle where we choose people who can’t fulfill us because we fear what a real, committed relationship might bring.
You Believe You Don’t Deserve More
One of the main reasons we’re drawn to emotionally unavailable people may relate to our own self-image. If we believe we don’t deserve unconditional love, we’ll subconsciously attract people who can’t fully satisfy us. If we try to love someone who doesn’t return the same, we might find ourselves in a vicious circle—giving everything we have while receiving only the “minimum.”
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Dr. Kristin Neff, a psychologist and self-help researcher, says that if we don’t believe we deserve love and respect, it’s hard to build healthy and fulfilling relationships. However, if we’re used to giving love without receiving it in return, it somehow becomes our “normal.”
The Mystery and Attraction of Emotionally Unavailable People
Why are emotionally unavailable people so attractive? Let’s admit it, there’s something about the mystery that sparks curiosity. According to psychologist Dr. Darren L. Hinson says people are often attracted to what they can’t have because it feels “unknown” and “challenging.”
Signs You’re Dealing with an Emotionally Unavailable Person
These people seem untouchable, as if they’re emotionally locked in a tight shell. Although we may realize these relationships are often doomed to fail, we are still drawn to the allure of what seems unreachable. This “challenge” can become a powerful magnetic force, pulling us into the vicious cycle.
You Have an Unconscious Need for Validation
For many people who have experienced emotional neglect or disregard in the past, they might unconsciously seek similar relationships in adulthood. By choosing emotionally unavailable partners, we subconsciously try to achieve something that’s impossible—to be loved and valued.
Repeating these old patterns can lead us into new relationships where there is no real emotional connection. According to therapists like Dr. John M. Gottman, when partners aren’t emotionally available, they often play the role of “seeking validation,” where we fight for attention and approval that never comes.
Fear of Rejection
Finally, we can’t ignore the fear of rejection. If we fear that someone will leave us or reject us, we often attract emotionally unavailable people because this relationship is less risky for us. When a partner isn’t truly available, it’s impossible to form a deep emotional connection, which means we protect ourselves from real pain and rejection.
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How to Stop Attracting Emotionally Unavailable People?
When we find ourselves repeatedly attracted to emotionally unavailable people, it’s often not something we consciously desire, but rather a deeply ingrained dynamic from our past. Our inner beliefs, shaped by childhood experiences or past relationships, unconsciously guide us toward people who cannot offer the emotional support we truly crave.
This is not an easy thing to confront, as we often wonder why these individuals attract us even though we know they do not meet our needs. However, these relationships often mirror our own unconscious needs and wounds.
To break free from this pattern, it’s crucial to start by understanding where these patterns come from. Only by looking back at the past can we recognize what beliefs and pains are driving us. If we want to change our relationship dynamics, we must first delve into ourselves and take responsibility for our choices.
The Truth Behind Attracting the Same Partners and How to Change It
Realizing that emotionally unavailable partners are not actually what we want is the first step toward change. Once we recognize these patterns, we can start working on ourselves and break the cycle that leads us into relationships where we aren’t truly seen or accepted.
It’s also essential to work on our own self-esteem. When we begin to value and love ourselves, we will attract healthier relationships because we will become more capable of recognizing what we truly deserve. This means putting ourselves first, nurturing our emotional needs, and focusing on our inner growth.
When we stop seeking love in places where we cannot truly connect, we become more open to relationships based on genuine respect and emotional presence.
Change starts with us. Once we become aware of these unconscious patterns, we can begin to change them and shift toward healthy, emotionally available relationships. This inner transformation not only improves the quality of our relationships but also enhances our lives overall.
