6 Reasons You Should Never Try to Change Others
How many times in our lives have we noticed people around us who desperately wish that someone else would change? A parent dreaming that their child would become more responsible. A partner hoping that their significant other would become more emotionally open. A friend wishing that someone would take better care of themselves. And lastly—how many times have we ourselves fallen into the trap of these expectations?
The desire to “fix” the people around us can seem well-intentioned. We think we’re protecting them, improving their lives, or helping them become “better.” But in reality, what we’re doing is something entirely different—we’re taking away their right to be who they are. Attempting to change others often brings more harm than good.
Psychologist Carl Rogers once wrote, “The paradox is that when I accept myself as I am, I can change.” This thought reminds us that true change is only possible when it’s internal and voluntary. When we push someone or force them to change, we often face resistance, dissatisfaction, and even the destruction of relationships.
In this article, we will explore why trying to change others is dangerous and how we can instead change our perspective.
Why Do We Feel the Need to Change Others?
Perhaps you’ve wondered why we feel so drawn to changing the people around us. Is it a desire for control? In truth, it’s simpler than it seems. We have a basic need for those we love to be better—to function better, feel better, or simply be more like our ideas of how they should be.
Often, this desire comes from love, but it’s also unrealistic. When we start assuming that we know what’s best for someone else, we forget their individuality. Each of us is unique, with our own experiences, values, and desires. And even though we want the best for others, attempting to change them can be dangerous, as it often leads to dissatisfaction on both sides.
Sometimes, it’s simply that we want the people around us to behave in a way that aligns more with our expectations. Our expectations can be related to all aspects of our lives—from relationships to career decisions. But here lies the key issue: if we start assuming that our view of the world is the only correct one, we lose the opportunity to accept others as they are.
Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Try to Change Other People
1. High Probability You Won’t Achieve Anything
Let’s be realistic. When we want to change someone who isn’t ready for change, we will most likely find ourselves in a deadlock. Trying to change another person who doesn’t want it often leads to frustration, dissatisfaction, and a sense of failure. People have their own will, their own views, and their own beliefs. If someone isn’t willing to change their habits, we simply can’t force them to do so—no matter how badly we wish they would.
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Think about a partner, child, or friend whom you want to help become more responsible or change in some way. If that person doesn’t want to or doesn’t see the need, all your hard work and effort will bear no fruit. Trying to change someone against their will is like trying to change something that’s beyond our control. Even if it seems like you’ve achieved something, you will only temporarily satisfy your desire for control, which in the long run will bring no good.
Consider a child, for example. Of course, as parents, we want our child to be responsible, successful, and happy, but trying to change their habits without their readiness can lead to pressure that diminishes their intrinsic motivation. The child may start acting just to please their parents, but without the true internal desire for change. Over time, this can cause them to extinguish their own “fire” and lose their sense of who they truly are.
2. It Can Damage Relationships
Trying to change others can seriously jeopardize relationships in a way that often goes unnoticed until it’s too late. Imagine how you would feel if someone close to you constantly tried to change your beliefs, habits, or even your personality. If they were always asking you why you weren’t doing things “the way you should,” or offering endless advice on what you should change, what would that cause in you?
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A feeling begins to arise that you’re not enough, that you’re not accepted for who you are. And that’s when our ego and defense mechanisms kick in. Over time, we might start withdrawing, becoming more tense, and a distance begins to form that’s hard to bridge.
Our reaction may then become ignoring, rejecting, or simply a quiet resistance that only further distances us. Trying to change the people around us creates a wave of tension and misunderstandings rather than fostering more connected and harmonious relationships. This dynamic is one of the dangers of trying to change others, as instead of strengthening trust, we deepen the gap between us.
3. Not Accepting People in Their True Nature
Ultimately, the main reason why we shouldn’t try to change others is simply that we don’t accept people in their true nature. Everyone has their flaws, mistakes, and traits that we love or that annoy us. But that is part of who they are, and if we’re not willing to accept those traits, we are merely a creaky mechanism constantly stopping to search for fixes. Accepting people means loving them even though they aren’t perfect.
Think about how you would feel if you were constantly compared to “ideal standards” that are not your own. We too deserve to be accepted with our unique qualities.
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If we want to love and respect the people around us, we must be willing to accept their mistakes and imperfections. If we always try to change them, relationships become full of tension and dissatisfaction that never lead to true acceptance. This is another danger of trying to change others.
4. Changing Others Can Stifle Their Personal Growth
When we try to change others, we often fail to realize that we’re hindering their personal development. Everyone has their own unique life path and the fundamental experiences that shape them. Trying to change others is not only unhealthy but also prevents them from developing their own path and learning from their mistakes and experiences. When someone doesn’t allow you to grow and develop as a person but always tries to be the “guide” or “mentor,” that person feels repressed and unable to reach their full potential.
Think about how much time we spend searching for our own answers, seeking balance, and finding our own expression in the world. If someone is constantly correcting us, they don’t leave us the space to explore, search, and discover what truly fulfills us. This is one of the dangers of trying to change others—when people feel trapped by expectations that are not theirs, they start confusedly searching for their identity and self-worth in the wrong places.
5. Wasting Your Time
We’ve all encountered people who constantly interfere in others’ lives. They’re so focused on how others should live, what they should change to be better, that they almost forget about their own problems and personal goals. And honestly, when you observe them, you quickly realize they are often confused themselves, with their own “thresholds” in chaos.
Maybe they’re not ready to look inward, perhaps they’re afraid of their own flaws and imperfections, so they focus on changing others instead. So why not start with yourself? Instead of constantly looking for ways to change how others live, it would be much more productive to focus inward. What do we truly want? Where do we need change? Which of our patterns are holding us back from living a full life? When we begin to change ourselves, not only do we create a better life for ourselves, but we also influence our surroundings.
This is the only real path to happiness, one that doesn’t involve judging others but accepting and growing at our own pace. And this is also one of the dangers of trying to change others – we waste time on something we can’t control while neglecting things we can actually change.
6. You Don’t Have to Be Around People Like That
Now let’s look at another very important aspect that many overlook: if you constantly feel the need to change someone around you, it might not just be a reflection of that person but a reflection of yourself. It seems something about this person doesn’t align with your values or beliefs, and so you feel the need to change them.
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Maybe you don’t agree with their decisions or way of life, and you believe you could help them if only they’d change something about themselves. But if you are in a constant struggle to change someone who isn’t ready to accept change, or if your efforts are going nowhere, maybe it’s time to ask yourself: is this person right for you? You don’t have to be surrounded by people who are not aligned with your values or who don’t accept them.
Sometimes it’s better to accept people as they are or decide to part ways. You don’t have to judge, but you always have a choice – either accept them or move on. And this is one of the dangers of trying to change others – staying in relationships that limit you because you’re trying to change something that’s not your responsibility.
