How To Heal And Move On After A Painful Breakup

The painful breakup opens up an entirely new dimension of emotional distress. Every second is filled with despair, pain, endless questioning, and words of solace. Questions arise within the same minute, such as: “Will I ever be happy again?” “Will I be able to overcome this pain?” Then, in another minute, comforting thoughts emerge, such as: “Now I can embrace freedom. I can start a new completely.” This duality can be understood as a completely natural reactive state to a breakup.

In the mind, a real temptation arises, making everything possible in this chapter of healing. At times, you may long for your ex-partner back, while other times you may resent them. Just be aware that this is entirely normal; a breakup brings a wave of pain that floods every corner of our being. Anyone who has ever loved and lost has traveled the same path of suffering.

What happens deep within us when we experience a painful breakup?

In the initial phase experienced during a breakup, shock overwhelms us. Thoughts swirl in circles, the heart beats wildly, yet it all feels as if we are observing from a distance. “This can’t happen to me,” we repeat to ourselves, trying to reject the thought that our relationship has actually ended.

Then comes the denial phase, where we imagine that things will somehow sort themselves out. “Maybe everything will return to normal,” we say, despite knowing deep down that it isn’t true. This sense of denial temporarily allows us to escape the pain and avoid confronting the harsh reality.

As the denial slowly fades, anger takes over. “How dare they?” we ask ourselves, our inner rage filling every corner of our soul. The anger is directed towards our partner, towards the situation, towards ourselves. At this moment, it is important to realize that anger is part of the process, allowing us to release pent-up tension.

Once the anger subsides, we find ourselves in the bargaining phase. “Maybe we could try again,” we whisper, seeking ways to salvage at least a fragment of what we lost. However, negotiations often only lead to more confusion and pain.

Finally, the phase of sadness, fear, and depression sets in. During this period, we realize that our relationship has indeed ended, and we begin to accept the pain it brings. “How will I ever go on without him/her?” the fear of the future overwhelms us. However, this is also a time when we begin to heal our hearts and gradually return to ourselves. The phases do not necessarily follow each other; they can intertwine. You must know that there is no quick fix; you simply need time and the healing process.

Steps to Recovery after a painful breakup

Reconnect with yourself once again

At this moment, as a new chapter unfolds in your life, it’s crucial to delve into yourself. You might be engulfed in a sense of loneliness, but it’s important to realize that you still have yourself. Now is the time to rediscover your passions, to embrace new challenges, and to introduce fresh changes into your life. Most importantly, focus on your well-being and create a space where you can experience beautiful moments and experiences.

Be without expectations

In the period following a breakup, it’s crucial to learn to be without expectations. Expectations can only complicate the healing process, as they bind us to certain outcomes and can lead to disappointments. Instead, let’s open ourselves to accepting all the feelings and emotions we experience. Let’s not judge or evaluate our feelings, as they are all equally important and legitimate.

It’s not possible to set an exact time frame for how long it will take to heal all the wounds after a breakup. Each individual is unique and heals at their own pace. It’s important to take time for ourselves to confront our feelings, delve into ourselves, and dedicate ourselves to our own healing process. Let’s not burden ourselves with how long our steps forward should take, but let’s focus on each step leading to our inner growth and healing.

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Allow yourself to cry

As emotional beings, we have a natural need to express sadness and crying allows us to release that pain from our bodies. There’s nothing wrong with letting your tears flow. Listen to sad music or watch a romantic movie if it helps you express your feelings. It’s important to surrender to your emotions, but at the same time, set boundaries—avoid excessive use of drugs or alcohol, as it can only deepen your pain. Instead, focus on healthier ways to cope with your emotions.

Organize your space and remove memories of your previous partner

When you’re ready, free yourself from all items that remind you of your previous partner. The way to do this is entirely up to you and your personal preferences. This step will help you refresh your space and facilitate the process of healing from the breakup.

Distance yourself from your ex

Dr. Gary W. Lewandowski Jr., a professor and former chair of the Department of Psychology at Monmouth University in New Jersey, explains that friendships after a breakup can develop over time, but the key word is “time.” Very few former partners smoothly transition into friendship immediately. Dr. Lewandowski adds that maintaining a friendship with an ex actually increases the chances of “greater depression, jealousy, heartbreak,” and even “difficulty in finding a new romantic partner.”

Cleanse the corners of your life

Social media can become poison for a broken heart. Regularly checking your ex’s profile on social media can only deepen your pain. Every new picture or post, regardless of what your ex-partner is doing, can trigger a wave of sadness in you, swiftly replacing short-term satisfaction with suffering.

Dr. Lewandowski Jr. explains that participants in a study on Facebook who regularly checked their ex-partners’ profiles ended up having a harder time overcoming curiosity and dealing with the breakup. This certainly isn’t the path you’d want to take. So, confront your ego and pride, and rather stop checking profiles. Quietly remove or block them so you won’t be exposed to information that would only hurt you more. Don’t allow yourself to fall into the trap of constant monitoring, as it won’t bring anything good.

Plan a new chapter

When you find yourself in the aftermath of a breakup, it’s crucial to start planning your future and setting new goals. Although joint plans with your ex may have remained unfinished, it doesn’t mean you can’t create new paths and goals that are entirely your own. Fill your schedule with activities that inspire you and focus on your dreams and long-term desires.

Harness your full potential and pursue your higher purpose. For example, perhaps you’ve long dreamed of writing a book. Now is the time to truly dedicate yourself to this endeavor. As you follow your passions and set new goals, you’ll be surprised at where this new path will take you.

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Connect with true friends

During the pain of a breakup, it’s crucial to turn to people who understand and accept you as you are. The company of true friends can be incredibly helpful in the process of healing from a breakup. Don’t be afraid to share your feelings and thoughts with your closest ones, as even just talking can bring relief. However, if you don’t have such friends or currently don’t want to share your emotions with others, you can help yourself by writing in a journal. This is also an effective way to express and process your feelings.

Additional tip: Don’t isolate yourself. If opportunities for new friendships arise, be open and accepting. Changes and novelties in your life can bring positive effects and lead you to new, valuable experiences.

Revitalize yourself with healthy changes

Sometimes, it’s the smallest changes that make the biggest difference. Healthy habits and activities can bring a breath of fresh air into our lives and increase our motivation and productivity. As Leonardo Da Vinci said, “Each of us carries within us the power for change, we just need to decide to unleash it.”

Try tidying up your home and create a space that inspires you and fills you with energy. Exclude unhealthy food from your diet and reward your body with nutritious and delicious meals. By doing so, you not only take care of your physical health, but also your mental well-being.

Start moving more; as Albert Einstein said, “Life is like riding a bicycle – to keep your balance, you must keep moving.” Be active and discover the joys of movement and exploring your surroundings. Perhaps it’s time to embark on a journey or adventure you’ve long dreamed of.

Clean out your closet and rid yourself of unnecessary burdens, as Marie Kondo said, “Tidying up space leads to tidying up thoughts.” This makes room for new opportunities and experiences awaiting you.

And don’t forget to take time to read a good book, as Mark Twain wisely wrote, “Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counselors.” Walk through the pages of a book and surrender to the magic of words.

Take time for bold steps and treat yourself to something more. Changes can be intimidating, but also incredibly liberating. When you opt for healthy changes, you open the doors to new opportunities and rich experiences.

Take a break from dating

As I’ve mentioned before, rushing into a new relationship can only prolong the healing process. A sudden leap into another relationship can bring unwanted stress and regret. So, take your time and wait until you truly feel ready to move forward. Don’t rush. It’s important to allow yourself a healthy recovery without being hindered by external thoughts or pressures.

Don’t worry and surrender to the healing process. When you’re ready and refreshed, you’ll attract new people and opportunities into your life, so there’s no need to hurry. Trust your inner sense and allow everything to happen in due time.

What have I learned from this relationship?

In relationships, we are always learning and growing, despite all the diverse emotions we experience, including feelings of anger. It’s important to acknowledge the mistakes we’ve made and learn from them. As Winston Churchill said, “Learn from the past, or you are doomed to repeat it.”

Analyze the amount of effort you put into the relationship and examine the causes and consequences that arose. This will enable you to improve and prepare for the next chapter of your life. You can’t change the past, but you can accept it, as everything happened for a reason. Instead of focusing on past mistakes, focus on what kind of partner and person you want to become in the future.

As Gautama Buddha said, “Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.” Meditation can be a useful tool in accepting the past and directing your attention towards positive changes in the future. This way, you can adjust your awareness and release negative energies that hold you back.

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Do not let anger and vindictiveness control you

When it comes to a breakup, it’s crucial not to let negative emotions like anger and vindictiveness take over. Don’t waste your precious energy on manipulation or retaliatory actions, such as trying to make your ex-partner jealous or proving your progress. As Mahatma Gandhi once said, “An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind.”

Such actions bring more harm to you than to your ex-partner. Don’t let ego and anger guide you. Instead, focus on your inner growth and development. Recognize that competition and revenge bring nothing good. It’s wiser to rise above this negativity and focus on positive changes in your life. When you become aware of your inner strength, you’ll be able to overcome these adversaries and move towards a more peaceful and fulfilling future.