The Truth Behind Attracting the Same Partners and How to Change It
If you’ve ever felt like you always attract the same types of partners, you’ve probably noticed recurring patterns—whether it’s emotional unavailability, lack of true commitment, or simply the constant search for something that is never quite fulfilling.
You may have heard that “we attract what we are,” but why does this happen, and how can we change it? Interestingly, research from psychologists and therapists often shows that our relationship patterns are not just random but are closely tied to deeply ingrained beliefs, past experiences, and unconscious needs that we often fail to recognize.
Our subconscious plays a key role in shaping relationships, as relationship expert and therapist Dr. Laura Berman explains: “If we keep making the same mistakes, it means we haven’t learned what we need to change in ourselves to create a healthy and fulfilling relationship.”
Therefore, it’s no surprise that many people find themselves repeatedly in relationships with someone who offers only a fraction of what they want or behaves in a way that drains them. Let’s explore reasons for consistently attracting similar partners and how you can break these patterns.
What Are the Reasons for Consistently Attracting Similar Partners?
We’ve all wondered why we always seem to end up in the same kinds of relationships. Perhaps we wonder if it’s fate or something happening because we aren’t lucky enough to meet the right person. “Why do I keep getting caught in the same patterns?”. You might think when you once again find yourself in a relationship that doesn’t end happily.
And sometimes, it’s easy to excuse it with something like, “Everyone is just like that.” But this isn’t just about luck or coincidence.
In reality, we often attract the same types of partners due to deeply ingrained patterns stemming from our childhood experiences. Are you wondering why you always attract someone who doesn’t give you what you truly want? Why does it feel like you’re always in a relationship where the story repeats? This could partly be due to patterns that formed when you were a child.
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Science tells us that our brains are most sensitive during the period from birth to age 8, when they are still developing. During this time, we are highly susceptible to information from our environment.
As children, we are like little sponges soaking up everything happening around us—from our parents, caregivers, and surroundings. This is the period when the foundation for our worldview and beliefs about who we are is formed.
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It may seem unusual, but most of our beliefs about love and our personal values are acquired during this time. If our parents were disrespectful, if you felt unloved or unappreciated, it could affect how we view ourselves and our future relationships. As adults, we may find ourselves repeating these patterns, with our subconscious mind attempting to recreate the balance we may have lacked as children.
The Beliefs That Guide Us
As young children, we couldn’t understand all the dynamics happening around us. If our parents were often absent, we may not have understood that it wasn’t personal but due to other factors like work obligations.
However, as children, we formed beliefs that we weren’t important enough or loved enough. What we couldn’t comprehend then, our young minds interpreted as “they didn’t love me enough” or “I wasn’t good enough.”
For example, if mom often worried or stayed absent due to work, the child might think it was because they weren’t good enough to keep her home. If dad was frequently critical or angry, the child might believe they don’t deserve love or that they aren’t worthy of respect. These beliefs anchor in the subconscious and form internal patterns that guide us through life.
When we grow up, these beliefs influence how we see ourselves and our relationships. Our subconscious starts creating patterns like: “I’ll always be abandoned,” “I’m not worthy,” “Love isn’t for me.”
And these patterns manifest in our adult lives. We attract partners who confirm these beliefs—not because we want them, but because we’ve grown accustomed to what we’ve already experienced.
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For instance, if there was a lack of emotional support or respect during childhood, we are likely to seek out partners in adulthood who are emotionally unavailable or even cold and distant.
It seems like these partners “confirm” our beliefs, as the relationship feels like the one we experienced as a child—where love or attention was missing and became something normal.
Even if we consciously want something better, we subconsciously look for someone who will fill that void, even though this doesn’t lead to a happy or healthy relationship.
On the other hand, if we saw as children that our parents stayed together despite difficulties, we might choose unhealthy or toxic partners in adulthood due to the belief that “love can be hard” or that relationships must be “maintained at all costs.”
This creates a pattern where we subconsciously seek partners who drain us or don’t support us in the ways we truly need. Reasons for consistently attracting similar partners often stem from unconscious beliefs and past experiences that shape us.
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Establishing Conscious Control Over Our Beliefs
When discussing the reasons for constantly attracting similar partners, we often stop at the past that shaped us. However, we shouldn’t fear this. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward change. There’s nothing wrong with having had similar relationships or repeating negative scenarios, as we all face challenges throughout life. Now it’s time to start moving things forward.
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The first step in breaking these patterns is to consciously recognize which beliefs guide us. Our subconscious beliefs are what typically lead us to make certain choices, and we often don’t realize them until we look deeper into our history. So, how can we change the dynamics of attracting partners? The answer is simple: we need to start with ourselves!
Step 1: Self-Reflection and Recognizing Patterns
First, it’s important to take the time to explore what we attracted in the past. This can be a simple task but highly effective. I recommend taking a notebook or a piece of paper and writing down the types of partners you’ve had in past relationships.
What did they have in common? Were they always emotionally unavailable, manipulative, or did they simply repeat the same mistakes? Then ask yourself: how is this related to your beliefs and childhood experiences? What you find might surprise you.
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For example, many people who grew up in an environment where there was a lack of love or attention often seek partners who are emotionally distant or unable to commit.
When we recognize this, we can ask ourselves: what do I need in order to attract someone who will give me the love I deserve? Once we recognize what we’ve typically attracted, we can start to think about how things could be different.
Step 2: Reprogramming Beliefs and Creating New Patterns
Once we are aware of our inner patterns, it’s time for change. One of the most powerful methods for changing these patterns is recognizing and redirecting our subconscious beliefs. This means striving to change the internal thoughts that lead us to choose the wrong partners.
However, this doesn’t mean we need to “fix” all our internal flaws overnight, but rather start becoming aware of our needs and desires and express them in a healthy way.
Now you might ask: what kind of love do I want? Do I want a partner who supports and respects me, or do I keep repeating the pattern of unhappy relationships because it feels “familiar”?
When we begin to recognize these patterns, we become more aware of who truly meets our needs and who merely serves as a reflection of old beliefs.
Step 3: Consciously Setting Boundaries and Building a Healthy Relationship
One of the most important tools for changing this cycle is learning to set clear boundaries in relationships. This is especially important if we’ve been hurt in the past by partners who manipulated, hurt, blackmailed, or exploited us. Now is the time to learn to respect ourselves and our needs. Don’t be afraid to say “no” or “this isn’t in line with my values.”
Setting boundaries means not agreeing to relationships that put us in negative cycles or make us unhappy. It means not settling for less than we deserve. Every partner who enters your life should contribute to your happiness, not undermine it.
Step 4: Seeking Healthy Relationships
Once we are aware of our inner patterns, we can start to change our thinking and behavior. It’s important to understand that this isn’t about changing your life overnight, but rather starting to become more aware of your needs, desires, and values.
As we focus on inner healing and build healthier self-esteem, we will attract partners who align with our values and needs.
Often, we go through life neglecting our wounds, especially those stemming from childhood, and we fail to recognize how deeply they affect our choices in partners.
We may have stayed stuck in a vicious cycle for years, with low self-esteem, disrespecting ourselves, letting others treat us as they wish, or simply not loving ourselves. All of this creates space for us to end up in relationships with people who don’t respect us, don’t support us, or even emotionally abuse us.
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So, What Can We Do?
To begin with, we must learn to create space for self-love and kindness towards ourselves. This means starting to put ourselves first—not out of egocentricity, but out of respect for who we are and what we deserve. Acknowledge your progress in life, be gentle with yourself, and accept your emotions, even those that may seem painful.
It’s important to start building self-confidence. Build a relationship with yourself as you would with your best friend—be compassionate, patient, and open to personal growth.
As you begin to love and respect yourself, you’ll start to recognize your own worth, which will protect you from allowing others to diminish or deny it. The moment you recognize your worth, the dynamics of your relationships will change as well.
A 2018 study showed that those who approached partner searching more consciously achieved better results in their relationships. People who set clear criteria for what they wanted and needed, and allowed themselves to love and be supported, attracted partners that aligned more with their life values.
When we are honest with ourselves and are willing to accept our mistakes and emotional wounds, the greater the chance we have of attracting love that will support and respect us.
