How Your Childhood Shapes the Partners You Choose in Adulthood
Childhood. It’s the time when we are shaped, often without even realizing it. Everything we’ve experienced, those moments when we felt love or its absence, imprint themselves on us without our awareness. As children, we inherit more than just simple habits and values from our parents and caregivers – we inherit patterns that will accompany us throughout our lives. As we grow older and seek a partner, we often aren’t just looking for someone we’re attracted to. We’re seeking someone who reminds us of what we knew as children.
Do you remember the feeling you had as a child when you looked at your parents or caregivers? Were they warm and loving, or distant and strict? These early relationships, even if we don’t consciously think about them in daily life, deeply influence who we become as adults. When we search for love in the adult world, we often don’t choose randomly. We choose those who feel familiar to us. Those who, on a subconscious level, remind us of our primary family – that love we either experienced or didn’t.
What if we could recognize these patterns? What if we could change the way we choose people to spend our lives with? Once we begin to understand how our early experiences shaped us, we can finally begin to change the narrative of our relationships. Today, we will explore how childhood affects partner choice in adulthood.
Why Do We Choose Familiar Patterns in Life?
It seems as though life always pulls us back to the same patterns. Maybe it happens that we keep choosing the wrong partner in relationships—someone who seems perfect at first, but over time, the same issues start resurfacing as with our previous partner.
Sometimes we ask ourselves, “Why do I always choose the wrong partner?”, but finding the answer isn’t always easy. Our subconscious operates in a way that is often beyond our control, and that is why we repeat these patterns, even though we may not want to. The reason is not that we are wild, but because we are attracted to what we know.
Our childhood experiences are the first seeds that are planted in our hearts and minds. The relationship with our parents or caregivers teaches us what love, trust, and safety mean. If we grew up in an environment where our parents were emotionally distant or too strict, it’s entirely natural that as adults, we might seek partners who offer the same dynamics, even if we’re unaware of it.
These are unconscious patterns that can repeat in our decisions long after we’ve grown up. For example, if our parents were only available when they were angry or distressed, we might begin to seek that kind of attention in relationships—strange, yet familiar. In this way, the subconscious repeats those patterns we experienced as children, simply because they are familiar and safe—even if they are painful.
Think about how often we repeat the same habits, even if we know they aren’t the best. For example, if we were often told in childhood that money and success are the most important things in life, we may continue to repeat those thoughts as adults and choose jobs that drain us, yet somehow fit the patterns we saw in our parents.
This repetition of patterns is not just specific to love relationships but also spills into our decisions, influencing our careers, health, and daily lives. And even though we want to do better, it’s hard to break these cycles—somehow we are always drawn to what we’ve already experienced because it comforts us, even if it isn’t necessarily the healthiest. And this is where the answer lies: how childhood affects partner choice in adulthood.
Here is How Childhood Affects Partner Choice in Adulthood
If You Grew Up with an Absent Parent…
You may have grown up with one parent who was physically present, but emotionally distant. This absence didn’t just mean a lack of presence but also a lack of emotional support and warmth. As a child, you may have felt abandoned even though the parent was at home. And these insufficient emotional connections can leave lasting consequences on your choice of partners in adulthood.
As an adult, you may unconsciously seek partners who are emotionally unavailable. Even though at first, someone may seem like the perfect person, you quickly feel that this person is not fully present, whether due to work, stress, or simply their emotional inability to open up.
This is the childhood pattern repeating itself: you unknowingly chose a partner who offers you the same feelings of loneliness and abandonment you felt as a child.
If You Had a Parent Who Was Overly Controlling…
Growing up in an environment where one parent was always present with control can shape our understanding of what being in a relationship means. If your parents had overly strict demands or wanted to control everything you did, you may have felt like your freedom was not entirely your own.
It was hard to express your opinion or make decisions without feeling like you would face criticism or punishment. This kind of control can leave emotional scars that repeat when you start forming relationships as an adult.
You may feel that in a relationship, you need that perfect balance between love and freedom, but you often attract partners who are inclined to control. You want a partner who will give you a sense of security and protection, but in the end, you become trapped in a relationship where your decisions and space are not respected.
This pattern may stem from your experiences with a controlling parent, and you often unconsciously repeat this scenario by choosing partners who restrict you.
If You Were Overpraised or Criticized as a Child…
If your parents often praised you for every little thing, you may have learned that you only deserve love and attention if you meet high expectations. And you were constantly praised and placed on a pedestal, this excessive attention could have been difficult, as you might start questioning who you are without those external validations.
On the other hand, if you were frequently criticized or devalued, you might become dependent on validation because you feel inferior and undeserving.
Such childhoods shape our emotional states in adulthood and influence who we choose as a partner. If validation-based love was central, it is very likely that as an adult, you will seek validation in a partner and a sense of being good enough.
This can lead to you becoming dependent on your partner and seeking love that is constantly validated, instead of having a healthy sense of self-worth. And so, you may become vulnerable to relationships where love is based on external validation, which can be very unstable and harmful.
If You Were Overprotected as a Child…
You may have grown up in an environment where your parents constantly shielded you from every danger, stress, or problem, leaving you with the feeling that you couldn’t handle the world around you independently. This overprotection may have taught you that you are incapable of dealing with the challenges life brings, and this feeling can dominate your partner relationships as well.
If you grew up in such an environment, as an adult, you may seek a partner who offers this same protection—someone who will take care of everything for you. This can lead to you always feeling helpless or overly dependent on your partner, increasing the risk of being in relationships where you can’t be your full self. Your partner will become your “support,” but this creates an unequal relationship where you feel powerless or without freedom.
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If Your Parents Often Denied Your Feelings…
If your parents often denied your feelings and encouraged you to suppress or ignore them, you might grow up to be an adult who struggles to express your emotions and needs. In this way, your emotional needs were often overlooked, as your feelings were questioned. This might have left no space for your true feelings and desires.
This can transfer into adult relationships, where you learn to deny your emotions and expectations to avoid conflict. In this case, we often choose partners who do not respond to our needs or emotions. In these relationships, we often feel as though we are not worthy of attention and that our feelings are less important.
However, these unconscious patterns from childhood prevent authentic and healthy relationships and instead create a sense that we are always second place, which leads to emotional exhaustion in the long term.
If Your Parents Had Conflicts You Couldn’t Understand…
If you grew up in a home where there were frequent conflicts between your parents, you probably often observed disagreements that were too complicated or difficult to understand. This may have left you with a sense of insecurity and fear that relationships are something unstable or unsafe.
You may have learned that conflict is something you must avoid at all costs, or you may have started believing that relationships are always tense and full of fights.
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This pattern can continue into your adult relationships, where you often avoid conflicts or find yourself in relationships where conflicts are present but you don’t know how to manage them in a healthy way.
This can lead you to relationships where you constantly hide from real issues that need to be resolved, or you may be drawn to partners who always seem to be in conflict because, unconsciously, you’ve chosen a partner who offers a familiar but painful pattern from childhood. Here’s another example of how childhood affects partner choice in adulthood.
How to Change Patterns and Find Better Partners?
Recognizing the Connection Between Childhood Trauma and Partner Choice
The first step is to take time to analyze past relationships. Ask yourself what qualities were common in all those love stories and how you felt in those relationships. Were you often unhappy, or were your needs neglected? Then, look back at your childhood—what did you experience, what did you see in your parents’ or caregivers’ relationships?
You might be surprised at how clear the connection is between what you experienced as a child and the decisions you make as an adult. This will help you understand why you attract certain types of partners. How childhood affects partner choice in adulthood is truly an important realization.
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Don’t Be Too Hard on Yourself
Although understanding childhood patterns is the first step, it’s not that simple. Healing and changing these patterns takes time and patience. Don’t be too quick in expecting that you’ll change overnight. You are not to blame for the childhood trauma, but you are the only one who can break the cycle.
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Take your time to accept yourself and understand that everything you’ve experienced shapes who you are today. You must realize that you have the power to reshape these patterns if you decide to start working on them. Approach your decisions and relationships with honesty.
Reflect carefully—why did you make that decision? Why were you attracted to this person? What do you have in common? What are you seeking in this person? What does this person give you?
Create Your Vision of a Healthy Relationship
Look at your relationships with a fresh perspective. What do you truly want? What does a healthy relationship with your partner look like? This isn’t something we should come up with quickly, but something we need to think about, feel, and write down. What are your values? How do you want your partner to treat you, and how do you want to treat them?
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Define what a healthy relationship looks like according to your views and needs. This will help you attract a person who aligns more with your desires and needs, rather than someone who repeats patterns from the past.
Start Believing You Deserve Better
Have you ever heard the saying: you attract what you believe you deserve? Well, it’s quite a profound statement. Surely, if we believe we deserve to be used by a partner, whether physically or emotionally, and we allow that, staying in that relationship and accepting such treatment, then that statement definitely holds true.
Therefore, it’s time, no matter what abusive or toxic relationships you’ve gone through, to start valuing yourself more. The more you value yourself, the less you’ll attract people who would treat you wrongly, because you simply won’t make space for them in your life.
