When Toxic Gossip Turns Into A Weapon Against Yourself
I think you are familiar with how challenging it can be to avoid hearing jokes at someone else’s expense or learning some “juicy” details about others’ lives. While gossiping is not necessarily negative, as some argue it’s a way news is used to spread, most people associate gossip with the spread of negative information about others. Where do we draw the line between innocent chit-chat and unhealthy gossip that comes back to haunt us? Today, let’s delve into the depths of toxic gossip and its impact on our mental health.
I’ve come across numerous studies and opinions suggesting that gossip is normal and serves as a means of information dissemination. However, is it really crucial to know what’s happening behind our neighbor’s closed doors? Psychologist Cornelia H. Dudley believes that everyone engages in gossip. Contrary to this, I’m an individual who cannot stand gossip. If I find myself involved in gossip, I quickly feel uneasy and struggle to find words. I appreciate the saying: “If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all.”
It’s challenging to avoid people who eagerly approach you to share the latest news, such as, “Did you know Peter divorced his wife?” or “The neighbor is facing financial troubles,” or “A colleague at work cheated on his wife,” and so on. A study published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science involved 467 adults who wore electronic recording devices for 2 to 5 days, collecting samples of their verbal conversations. Researchers recorded all discussions about other people, i.e., gossip. They found that only 34 individuals out of 467 did not engage in gossip. Interesting, isn’t it? Let’s explore the origins of this habit.
How is the Habit of Toxic Gossip Formed?
This social phenomenon has its roots in various psychological, cultural, and evolutionary aspects of human beings. So, what are the causes of gossip?
- Envy is the most common cause, where an individual envies the success, wealth, career, or anything else of others. In this way, a person is pleased to hear something negative about the person they envy.
- Another cause of gossip is feelings of inferiority. People who feel inferior or have low self-esteem find solace in speaking negatively about others or seeking not-so-positive news. They aim to elevate their own sense of worth, thinking, “He is even worse than me.”
- Seeking attention in society is also a frequent cause. Gossip can be a kind of social event where talking negatively about others acts as a bonding factor. For example, when colleagues gossip about their boss or friends, gossip about someone well-known. Some people genuinely enjoy spreading negative rumors, arousing interest in others, and strengthening their sense of belonging in a group or society.
- Certainly, one of the causes is the family in which we grew up. Perhaps you’ve come across the image that depicts a child and the mother’s tongue through the child’s mouth? We must agree that children observe their parents. I noticed and felt this among peers in school, where some enjoyed making fun and openly gossiping about others. Then came the time when all the parents appeared at school, and the parents of that child showed a similar face.
- Sometimes, the cause of gossip is simply boredom. In social situations where people find no interesting topic for conversation, they may resort to gossip.
Why do we tend to notice others’ mistakes and not our own?
The self-affirmation effect is a phenomenon in which we observe mistakes in others but not in ourselves. There’s a well-known saying: “First sweep in front of your own door.” I believe you’ve heard it before. We all navigate the sea, which is not always calm but can be turbulent at times. Likewise, we all have our challenges, problems, confrontations with new situations, traumas, and fears. While it’s true that we can learn from others’ mistakes, using them as a means to spread the news is entirely senseless.
Therefore, it is right to sweep our doorstep. We explore ourselves, draw conclusions, find solutions, improve our lives, enhance our lifestyle, family, and career, pursue our dreams and goals, and all of this accumulates too much to even have time to gossip and seek negativity in others.
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But why do we enjoy seeing mistakes in others?
- One of the reasons is precisely if we invest too much attention in our surroundings and not in ourselves. This lack of self-awareness can lead to overlooking our own mistakes while being more attentive to others.
- Humans naturally desire to maintain a positive image of themselves. Therefore, we are inclined to deny and turn a blind eye to our own mistakes.
- When confronted with our own mistakes, we can create cognitive dissonance and discomfort due to the inconsistency between our actions and beliefs. Individuals may defend themselves against this discomfort by pointing out mistakes in others.
- We are taught certain norms and expectations by society, so if we observe differences or non-compliance in others, we tend to be critical and highlight mistakes.
How an unhealthy habit transforms into a weapon against oneself
A recent study from Harvard University has revealed that gossiping is an activity almost everyone perceives as something ordinary and even entertaining. However, behind these surface-level conversations often lurk an invisible danger. This brings us to our topic – how toxic gossip, when turned against oneself, affects our mental health and interpersonal relationships.
Negative impact on well-being
Gossiping often brings negative energy as we focus on the shortcomings and mistakes of others. However, this negativity circulates around us, making us victims of our own self-criticism and the condemnation of others, even though we cannot judge sometimes without knowing the whole story. There’s nothing wrong with having our own opinion and expressing it to the person in question, but gossiping about that person does not bring anything positive. After all, we all make mistakes and wrong decisions, don’t we?
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Strained interpersonal relationships
When inclined towards toxic gossip, we may create distance between ourselves and others. People who become the target of our criticisms may withdraw or start avoiding our company. Likewise, we wouldn’t feel good if gossip reached our ears; would we want to have contact with that person? I don’t think so.
Loss of trust
Gossiping can lead to a loss of trust. People who perceive that they have been betrayed or heavily gossiped about by someone will surely no longer trust that person. It’s essential to be honest with someone who trusts us and respects their privacy. We are not mail carriers delivering all information forward.
Negative Self-image
I’ve mentioned too little that gossiping can also be positive. There’s nothing wrong with positively gossiping about a person, for example, acknowledging their beautiful hairstyle or well-organized home. Surely, we will become more positive ourselves. The opposite is true for negative gossiping, where we create an atmosphere full of negativity that can lead to a feeling of unworthiness.
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Reduced efficiency
In a work environment or job, gossiping can affect work efficiency. A team dominated by gossip is often less productive, as members focus on interpersonal conflicts and drama instead of common goals.
Loss of creativity and innovation
In an environment where gossip prevails, creativity and innovation are often suppressed. People develop reservations about expressing new ideas for fear of constant criticism or ridicule. Everyone wants to belong and have others think highly of them, but it might not be possible to please everyone. Certainly, some people may not like us. This fear is only a response to being in the company of people who enjoy toxic gossip.
Increased stress
Gossiping creates tension and stress in the environment. Why? Gossiping triggers emotional tension, either through expressing criticisms or feelings of guilt when realizing that we have participated in negative conversations about another person. It can also become stressful thinking about how others will judge us when expressing criticisms about others.
A stressful environment can also be created when feeling social pressure, fearing that we might become the target of criticism if we don’t join in.
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Sense of control and loss of control
When we are prisoners of the habit of toxic gossiping, we can lose the ability to self-regulate or control our impulses. This can be interpreted as being unable to hold back negative thoughts and statements when faced with a situation that would trigger gossiping. Instead of considering potential consequences, we utter criticism or negative opinions, leading to unacceptable words.
Self-Limitation
Focusing on toxic gossip limits our growth. Instead of concentrating on our own development and improving our lives, and where we can make positive changes, we expend energy criticizing others and seeking information about them. Nothing is as important as how we create and shape our own lives; it doesn’t matter what someone else does with their life. What matters is what we can do to create the best possible experiences, relationships, and things that are personally important to us.
Building a negative mindset
Specifically negative gossiping, not only affects our relationships with others but also creates a general pattern of negativity in our lives. We become people who only see mistakes and weaknesses, rather than appreciate the positive aspects of others and the environment.
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Social Differences
Gossiping often stems from prejudices and stereotypes, which can deepen social differences. Instead of building healthy bridges between people, we create walls that hinder understanding and acceptance of diversity.
Conclusion
We must be aware of the power that toxic gossiping holds when it turns against ourselves. Although it may seem harmless at first glance, it can prove to be a tool that affects our mental and emotional well-being. I encourage you to refrain from spreading negativity and instead focus on positive communication and building relationships. If we all choose to be part of the solution rather than the problem, together we can shape, healthy and lasting relationships based on support and positivity. Until next time, take care!
